Reflections back by Terrie Hein written on December 21, 2005

October 29, 1990 I went into surgery at Toronto General Hospital.  On October 31 I woke up in ICU. 

For the first time in 15 years I was breathing through my mouth and nose... this was the beginning of the hardest couple years of my life.  I did not expect the catheter, NG tube or to have to breathe out of my mouth and nose 24-7 from get go.  In Sick Kids they gently get you used to it by increasing the time of plugging your treach tube until you can handle it 24-7.

For the next two weeks I struggled to gain my strength back.  I struggled to talk, and I struggled to eat!  I now know why God meant for babies to breastfeed when they are born... For the first time in my life that I could remember I had to figure out how to eat and breathe at the same time.  Not only that but I did not have the epiglottis muscle that most people have to cover over their airway when they swallow.  I tried lying on my back, tilting my head back and throwing cubes of jello down, I could not get this eating thing down.  I was bound and determined to do it.  I wanted the NG tube out so bad.  They took out the NG tube after two weeks and basically gave me 48 hours to be eating enough.  I finally went down to the maternity ward and got a baby bottle to suck on.  (you can't suck and breathe at the same time.  It helped me to coordinate my breathing and swallowing.)

During this time there were plenty of firsts for me.  It was the first time I remembered breathing through my mouth and nose, the first time that I had even talked with a whisper, the first time that I was able to smell, the first time being able to have a bath and put my chin under the water.  My voice took a while to learn how to use.  The first thing I noticed smelling was brussel sprouts... they ended up back out in the hall faster than they entered.  Smelling things also changed the taste of things so I needed to adjust in my mind what things tasted like.  I also smelled a rose my mom brought me until it wilted.  I also remember the smell of chlorine in the tub as I had my head under the water right up to my nose.  I think I had one of the longest baths in history.

In the months that followed this surgery I would wake up often at night struggling to breath or choking because of my own spit.  it was also a time when I got my first nose bleed and lived on milkshakes because I was still struggling to eat.  I basically missed the whole year of school because of the surgery and recovery process.  Even up to 5 years later I would still wake up on occasion and panic that I could not breathe.  Learning to breathe out of my mouth and nose was very hard work.  I could not stand to have things covering my throat because it felt like I would suffocate. 

This was one of those times in my life when God and I walked along in silence.  He knew I was trusting Him to get me through and I knew that He would.  This happened a lot in my life.  Just a silent trust between the two of us.  Psalm 23 and 30 helped.

Terrie